It seems that when everything seemed going so well.,, they are only to be shattered,,,, my girlfriend is unable to come because her parrents wish her not too or threaten to cut off her education,,, I spoke to her mother and considering I Understand her and her husband for the most part,,, That I should be the one to see her first and break bread within my girlfriend's household and get to know them,,, Its making things quite difficult,, ,my medical condition has left me really ill and nearing critical times of being unable to walk or sit up or stand much,,,, as I ve had backj injuries and other issues,, I have severe pain from the nape of my neck ande down, and my legs swell my bowels swell and ive lost much sensation on parts of my body,, my arms and legs are weak I have also had a hard time to breath a few times,, I have a lump in my neck so I am scared I might have a tumor or a injury or cancer or something in my neck,,, Its gotten worse every month ,,,, The mother and father of My girlfriend dont seem to understand that I am entering a mild life threatening situation, ,as Ive had pre-mature heart attacks in the past,, I hate, talking about my medical condition in the public.,., but THis is the reason why,, I am having a hard time to go and see my girlfriend,,, But,, be cause I love her and am willing to prove my self to Melissa's parrents,, I am willing to risk my very health of being away from my doctors etc,,, to go see her but right now money is hard to come by and business has been harsh,,, even trying to find a job in ths god forsaken city is difficult,,, even a job at mc donalds is challenging,,, you have to have previous experience with them or worked at a lunch dinner place,,,,,, you also have to be willing to work cheap,,, you have to be healhty and be willing to take risks,,, all jobs are like this now,, with the current recession that we are in,, falling into a depression..... .

so with that,,,, im writing this to let my friends know,, and anyone else who cares or whatever,, idk,,

considering that,,, Her parrents dont understand the kind of love me and my girlfriend have,,, they,,, think she needs mental help or something and that there is something wrong with me,,, it seems that my hope has been bashed to a tiny pebble.. I dont know what to do anymore .,,.. . I have to try and save 3oo dollars in order to see them,. three hundred dollars. ,... thats hard to do,..... again i have to take a risk and use my medical money,.... to Go and see her. .. so if something happens to me... Im going to be there alone,,.... I dont even have a place to stay. . . . Im having a hard time to even sit or stand up to write this,... because... my neck is stiff and im a great deal of pain its nearly making me cry... no matter what i do the doctors wont listen to me and im still trying to get medicaid or some form of insurance. . Hell I cant eat right and cant even . . . well theres a more personal reason im not going to say . . but what is worrying me is that . .

If I dont figure out what is wrong with me and get fixed up soon I am going to risk my life deeper, the brain stem controls heart and breathing functions,,,, I loose those. . . well its prety self explanitory. .. I dont want to die and Im praying to God that he has mercy on me.. because I need to be there i want to be there for my best friends and close friends and my mate and girlfriend.. .
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Right now . .. My dreams seem mostly shattered . .. if there is any ray of hope for me please someone pray for me. .. . And someone pray for my girlfriend. . . my body is giving up on me,.... but my spirit is still willing....


I love you Melissa im so sorry,.... for being like this , ,, it hurts me that,, I feel as though ive failed you yet again,,,, I failed to come for summer and ive failed agtain,,, once again,,, I am sorry I failed you,,, ,sometimes i still wonder and it amazes me that you still have the patience to put up with me,,, to even wait for me,, ,I love you with all my heart,,, and I love you my friends,,, its just a shame that some friends I wanted to see,, I have not had that oppertunity to see them yet nor girlfriend,... I just hope i get to see you especialy you My dear love,,, before something happens to me,,, Im not hoping for the worst,,,, but ,, I do need to be prepaired,,,,

a hopeless man,,,, with dreams,,, shattered,,,


Brickstin